Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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