I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
