I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
