Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
