wakey wakey hands off snakey
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
