Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
