if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
