do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
