i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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