Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
