Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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