i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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