There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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