i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
