can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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