OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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