Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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