They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
