Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
