nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
