Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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