at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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