she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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