I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
