It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
