I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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