so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
