We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
