I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
