turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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