The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My vagina is very pro this idea
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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