i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
