Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
