I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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