She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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