Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
A+ Viking dick
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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