'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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