When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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