I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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