Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
