i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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