I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
