Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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