the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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