My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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