theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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