My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
