I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
tonight lets celebrate not being married
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
