i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
