does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need water and some morals
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
