And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
