Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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