Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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