we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
