bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
