Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
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the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
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you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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